Kids Life Jacket

- What happens with real life Gomer Pyles?
What happens with the occasional kid that somehow gets in then makes one stupid mistake after another? Is it like Full Metal Jacket? Are drill instructors more patient today and willing to work with them, or is Marine boot camp still unforgiveably hardcore?

A That was a TV show. Recruiters are pretty good about getting the best quality but sometimes they let the sh@t birds through. And trust me if they do something stupid the DI will make them never want to do it again.

- Does this sound ok? Sory its so long!?
My only explanation for what happened to my uncle is that he disappeared. I was only gone for about an hour, I was just getting some dinner. I looked around expecting Mark to be there, but he was gone. I called for him all over the house and called his cell phone and his work place (he was a counselor at a camp south of our home) and checked the dock. Our air boat was gone, I called everyone I could think of but none knew where he was. I glanced around the kitchen. Something was different; (besides my uncle being missing) it was like a piece was missing from a puzzle. I panicked, even though Mark only had a phone because I insisted since he was always getting lost anywhere out of water, it has definitely proved useful. He always answered it, whenever, where ever, once he was rock climbing and tried to answer his phone (he only answers for me, our special ringtone is "Thriller") he fell of a ledge and they had to call the fire department to get him down. I decided to take the canoe out alone like I was never supposed to do and went looking for our boat along the bayou. I rode around for hours, looking along the pastel colored land and reflective waters. The earth was filled with scents of the exotic flowers and small animals that ran by and followed the canoe as if on a quest to beat it in a race. Small turtles swam up to the boat and followed it too. I could never explain why animals did this but Mark said it was because I had the heart of one of them. I looked ahead, I passed a plant that I was sure had been dead before I rode past it. Again this happened a lot but I wasn't sure why. **************************************************************************** I guess I should mention Mark is my uncle. He has been looking after me for as long as I can remember, he never talks about my parents, but I know that they were very happy because whenever I brought it up he smiled and said that he had never seen love like theirs, sadly he also said I was too young to know. Mark is about six feet tall; he has dark eyes, sandy brown hair at about shoulder length which was usually pulled into a ponytail, he always wore a thick leather jacket and an amulet with a star with a sun around it. He always laughed and had a great sense of humor. He loves the water and all things living in it, he used to be a marine scientist but got fired after a small accident, something about letting the penguins out for a joy walk around the aquarium. He teaches kids about life in the water at the camp. *** I looked along the river for hours, my mind wandered. I thought about why Mark never talked about my parents, he wouldn’t tell me anything except that they were very happy together, I thought about why I was always so drawn to animals and plants and life in general. Why I was always assumed to be weird because I pet the stray cats, or fed the starving dogs, or the fact that whenever I passed a dying flower it grew healthy again like it had never wilted. I also thought about why Mark had left without telling me or leaving a note or telling the neighbors or…something! He wasn’t usually this unpredictable, I could always sense when he was lying or feeling strongly about something, I could even tell when he was in pain. I felt a pull in my gut that I didn't like and I knew that something wasn’t right. I was just about to give up my search and rescue mission when I suddenly I saw a flame ahead, not from a camp fire or flare, but from an out-of-control fire. I paddled as close as I could get without out burning the canoe, and stopped. There I saw it, the remains of our boat ablaze. I could tell that this was no accident just by looking at the boat. It hadn't crashed; it was set on fire by someone. The air smelled of kerosene and the bayou was silent except for the crackle of the fire. I stepped out of the canoe and looked around, my heart racing and feeling like I had swallowed a brick. An alligator stirred my right but I was used to them and they usually ignored me. I kept walking. I eventually got tired and sat down to rest. After a few minutes, possibly hours, I wasn't paying attention to anything except my hammering heart. I stood up, the sun was starting to set, I had to keep looking and find Mark before it got dark. I scanned the area then did a double take,

A It sounds okay, but it definitely could use some work. This is my honest opinion. I'm sorry if it's a little harsh! But criticism is key in becoming a better writer. ~You have some grammar mistakes and several awkward sentences that don't exactly flow. ~The story progresses very rapidly. Try to slow down, really capturing the essence of the situation. It's almost as if you are just listing the events. ~Is this the first chapter or prologue? Because I don't know who the MC/narrator is. Is it a girl or boy? How old are they? ~You don't need to tell the exact description of the uncle in a single paragraph...Let it gradually come out as the story progresses. ~The part with the penguins seemed very unrealistic...If he was "fired" as a marine biologist, then there would probably be a more sensible explanation. ~You over-use a few words or use the same word twice in one sentence. A thesaurus can be your best friend. ~Some parts are confusing. I don't understand what boat was on fire, why it was on fire, or what she/he was talking about when they looked at the plant. And if Mark fell off a cliff while he was talking on a cell phone, why would the Fire Department have to bring him down? Wouldn't he already be on the ground since he fell? ~You don't need to tell us in the second paragraph that the uncle is Mark. It's already stated in the first paragraph. ~Try not to make it seem like the narrator is talking directly to the reader. This can become annoying. ~Describe the setting a little more. I can't really picture this bayou. ~Don't overuse semi-colons! ~Make sure to keep it suspenseful. After about the third paragraph, I was getting a little bored. ~The MC says that they panicked, but they seem so calm when searching for Mark. But you do have some good points! :) ~Nice figurative language! ~My favorite line is: "...looking along the pastel colored land and reflective waters." because it's unique. ~You have a good plot so far; it sounds very interesting. Keep on writing :) ~♥~